I Was Cheated on; I Was the Cheater—Two Girls Tell All

Things aren't always black and white when it comes to relationship drama.

Cheating isn't something that's just confined to the classroom. And when it comes to relationship cheating, the consequences can be even more ambiguous, regardless of which side you fall on. We asked two girls—one who was cheated on and one who did the cheating—to share their stories. Read on, and then sound off in the comments.

I Was Cheated On
When I was a senior in high school, my then-boyfriend and I were pretty serious. Like, used to sneak over to each other's houses late at night to talk 'til dawn serious. Maybe it's because we went to different schools—me, public; him, private—but regardless, we were all about being together.
By the end of the year, we were looking at not one but two senior proms, because of the whole different schools thing. Mine was first, and it was great. At his, though, something was off. In the weeks leading up to the dance, he'd mentioned a girl from his school a few times, and I knew they were friends who did school projects together or something. But when we were at his prom, in the mix of his classmates and, of course, her, he was different. Just a little bit distant. And I remember coming out of the ladies' room that night to find them talking in a corner...it just kind of skeeved me out. But by that point we'd been together for two years, and I thought I had nothing to worry about.
Time passed, we were fine, things were normal. I was busy rehearsing for a big ballet performance and was maybe a little less attuned to the relationship than usual, but I did know this girl was becoming more and more of a presence. They'd talk on the phone. His classmates started to tell me they were inseparable at school. And then, one day, it happened: I got a call out of the blue from some guy I didn't know, explaining to me that he was the boyfriend of the girl who, he regretted to inform me, had been hooking up with my boyfriend.
I remember feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me, and for the first time ever I felt really and truly angry. I wish it had been a nice clean I-Hate-Him-So-Much-for-Doing-This-to-Me kind of anger, but I couldn't help that it was also wrapped up in scorned love, and feeling unwanted, and feeling like I wasn't good enough. I confronted him about it, though honestly I was such an emotional wreck that I don't remember how. All I remember is that he was exceptionally cold to me—as though I deserved it, should have seen it coming, wasn't the best girlfriend I could have been, etc. etc.
In the middle of all this, I had to go and do my big performance, which was a struggle to say the least, especially since the choreography was about a girl whose partner had left her and she was dancing with his ghost. I wiped away tears as I took my bow, but I actually, suddenly, felt great. To have turned the pain into something productive—on a stage in front of thousands, no less—was kind of like an epic F-you to the guy who'd screwed me over.
I wish the story ended here. But you know how guys can kind of sense, remotely, when you've clicked over and stopped caring about them? And suddenly they're all over you again? Yeah, that happened, and the attention (and apologies and tears and agony) were pretty intoxicating. I let him convince me that "hooking up" had only meant kissing, twice, and that he regretted it. I let him tell my parents (very conservative, protective people) that he'd never mistreat me again. And I let us go through another year of being together.
Was it worth it? I don't know. I learned a lot, about myself and about boys, and by the time we broke up, I had grown a lot in ways that he hadn't. But it's still painful to think about, and I still feel pangs when I see him pop up in my newsfeed or he comes up in conversation. Honestly my biggest feeling, all these years later, is a weird one: It's gratitude. Not that he put me through everything he put me through, but more that I learned firsthand that cheating is a thing, and it happens to a lot of people, and it's a sucky but sometimes unavoidable fact of dating life. Now I know that it's not a reflection on me, but a reflection on him. And now I can, maybe just a little bit easier, spot the really good guys out there.
I Was the Cheater
My college boyfriend Sam and I had been in our respective hometowns for a few summer weeks when it happened. We'd been dating for over a year and weren't unhappy, but once he graduated and I started really growing into myself, nothing really felt the same anymore. He was unambitious and uninspired to find a job, and I was moving full steam ahead on snapping up as many undergraduate opportunities possible. We were headed in totally different directions, but the problem was I didn't realize I wanted out until I found someone else I wanted.
When it was happening, I didn't feel any guilt at all. If you're being drawn so strongly towards someone who isn't your significant other, there's probably a reason, and mine was Hunter. We'd dated on and off throughout high school, and our Chuck-and-Blair romance never really seemed to end. If we were single, we'd always wind up getting back together, and that night on the beach outside his parents' house, I just couldn't say no.
How did I do it without running home, screaming "I am a monster!" through the streets? Well, for better or worse, I completely bent my morals to justify my behavior. While it was happening, I rationalized with myself that as long as I broke up with Sam within the next 24 hours, it wouldn't count. So, I told him the very next day, but never let him know what helped me reach that decision.
In retrospect, I stand behind my decision. The time stamp was merely small print, terms and conditions on a relationship with Hunter that deep down has never really ended. He was my first love, and so much of my history, so why should I feel bad? He was adorable!. He was funny!
...And he was the only person who had ever cheated on me.
Some people find that justifiable, some think that makes me a hypocrite. But, either way, I can't help thinking that gave me a get-out-of-cheating-free card. I'd lived through the pain of it, I knew what I was doing, and as long as Sam and I were on the outs, it was just a slight overlap that no one needed to know about.
Cheating is never something you're proud of, nor is it ever really planned. I absolutely would have felt horrible had I continued on with Hunter while Sam and I still dated, but I spared Sam from the lies and the pain. Still, that doesn't mean I didn't get the payback I deserved. Just three weeks after that fateful night, my newly rekindled love stood me up and pretty much disappeared, leaving me to find out the hard way he had started seeing a girl he interned with.
I'm not proud of what happened that summer, but in the end, I'm glad I did it. The short-but-wonderful fling with Hunter gave me a sense of closure, not to mention a few of the most exhilarating weeks of my life. And, of course, there's something to be said for knowing what you want and going after it. Had we not gotten together, who knows when I would have broken up with Sam, a necessary evil I didn't realize I'd been putting off for months.
I'm still not sure if it was capital-W Wrong. Hurting Sam's feelings was truly inevitable. After all, breaking the news that you're no longer in love with someone isn't going to be any better just because you've stayed true. Sometimes you just need to trust your gut, even if it drives you towards something you'd usually consider to be wrong.